The movie starts in Egypt in 1938, with the discovery of the tomb of Ahkmenrah and the famed magical tablet that looks like a prehistoric Sudoku puzzle.
I’ve always wondered how these two characters can come back movie after movie without being squished, since they are the most preposterous, redundant characters in the history of flimsy family entertainment. Where this fake volcano gets its lava and magma from is a mystery, as is Coogan’s inability to recognise a city from his own country (he speaks with an affluent British accent). They get lost in the British Museum and find themselves in a scaled down replica of Pompeii, moments before it is buried under tonnes of volcanic ash.
Both men are written into the story to give Wilson and Coogan faces on the screen, but their mouths are not written to say anything important. Wilson plays Jedediah, a cowboy from Blazing Saddles, and Coogan plays a Roman centurion. Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan return as miniatures. Their romance was never going to last, he laments. Wake up, Teddy, you’re in a Hollywood movie. He later makes an acute discovery, however: He notes that he’s made from wax while his lover, Sacagawea (Mizuo Peck), is made from polyurethane. His character is so lost a map would only bring him back to the same spot. Just observe the late Robin Williams, playing President Theodore Roosevelt. He’s part of the group because he was in the other movies, but all he does here is smile and run away from danger (where is his horse?). Many of the main characters have returned from previous films, which is all well and good, but there is absolutely nothing for them to do. This movie is the food they gargle and spit at the wall. In fact, no, to call this movie infantile is to insult the intellect of infants. I am maddened by how infantile this movie is. This one, the third one, should come branded by Fisher-Price, because all anyone will ever like of it are its bright colours. The second would have made the kids happy and the adults just a little scornful. The first Night At The Museum (2006) had a little something for everyone. Night At The Museum: Secret Of The Tomb is a feeble, half-witted attempt to extricate $20 from our pockets, a robbery so clumsy we can literally see our money floating through the screen, funding its shoestring plot and irredeemable characters.
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